Yo Momma...

I guess it all started when, while working with one of our landscaping crews, I mentioned that a rather wily patch of grass/weeds reminded me of Scooter's mother's back hair. Of course, as I had hoped, the line received a brief but hearty laugh from the other two guys who for a second, actually probably thought that Scooter's mom was hairy.

Scooter, in traditional Long Beach gangster fashion, faked a sucker punch in my direction. Just to make sure he wasn't harboring any true malice, I quipped, "Scoot, I'm sure that your mom is a classy lady with a smooth back."

Immediately after, I starting thinking about the utter stupidity of "Your Mom" jokes. Not only do they tend to juxtapose abstract associations like weight and zip codes, but they seem to illicit an immediate defense response from the "victim" of the joke. The more abstract the association, seemingly the more intense the response.

I'm reminded of grade school when "Your Mom" was a rampant dis. Actually, saying "your mom" was more of like a comeback I suppose. "What are you having for lunch today?", "Oh, nothing, just your mom." Or, "Dude, your so freakin dumb", "You're mom's dumb." You get the point. "Your mom" would become a dis when used in the context of the joke "Your momma's so fat/dumb" or any other derivative there upon.

It really was just all silly though. Right? I suppose not. For whatever reasons I seem to think that people have actually begun physical fights on the premise to defend of the matriarch. These fights seem to have escaped the playground and lunch area banter of primary school students and amalgamated into a "justifiable" attack based on some lost virtue of chivalry.

If we look at models of matriarchal authority in traditional socio-demographics, we might be led to believe that African Americans, Jews, white suburbia, royal families, Latinos, and Catholics, just to name some immediate few, would have strong matriarchal ties that might be worth justifying some legitimate response to "your mom." This hinges on the assumption that the initial premise in the "your mom" syllogism (mainly that "your mom" is intended as a joke), is in fact null. If one can reasonably assume that the first premise is null, then it can be established that "you mom" is meant not as a dis or comeback but as a provocation.

I'm sure that 5th graders and street thugs assume this basic Aristotelian model of logic before they act on a "your mom" joke, but I can't be sure. For this reason I have included the following definitions of "your mom" as provided by UrbanDictionary.com.

1.) What you say in response to any question

your mom : so what did u do today?

you : your mom

jen: so what r we doing 2day in french?
me: your mom!

2.) An abstract concept loosely affiliated with notions of the intended audience's maternal figure. normally expressed as an intended slight on said maternal figure. often serves as indication of the end of a conversation.

X: That is one very fat farm animal.

Y: You're a fat farm animal.

X: I'll show you a fat farm animal.

Y: Your mom is a fat farm animal.

3.) A phrase used when you have absolutely no idea how to answer a question, or piss someone off. Highly recommended phrase to be used during business meetings.

Important Guy: "Mr. Smith, how long do you think the proposal will take?"

You: About as long as your mom.

Using these basic definitions, we can now go into the world with the understanding that "your mom" jokes are not intended as provocation but rather as a dis or comeback. If you feel conflicted, please apply the logic of a basic Aristotelian syllogism under the initial premise of "your mom is intended as a joke." I think you will find yourself pleased with your new-found pacifism.