The Shit-Show

There are some people on Facebook who, if you only looked at their pictures, you would believe beyond a reasonable doubt that they are shit-shows.

You know the shot. A group of girls in "Vegas" dresses, holding their drinks just high enough to make the picture frame, looking like they're having the time of their lives bumping and grinding on every piece of bro-douche that walks up and sneaks their face into the picture.

I've always liked the "gotta hold the drink" pose in party pictures. It almost seems to say: "Hey everybody! Look what I'm doing!" As if the Ferrell red-eye doesn't give your drunkenness away. Some people have entire albums dedicated to the glorification of their alcoholism. Inside, outside, night, day, it doesn't really seem to phase the party scene at some schools. But it does give the illusion that you drink all day. Maybe the cup habit stuck with us after we turned 21. Being underage and drinking was way cooler. Maybe we still feel the need to raise that cup to show our rebelliousness, or the caliber, or not, of our drink.

Others only have pictures where they're dressed like D-list celeb socialites. Always taking the "twins" out for the evening, or showing that little bit of chest hair that they had been saving up since they were in high school. We know these pictures too. Posing next to a statue of something lame, or giving us the lower lip bite that seems to make us look like porn stars. Maybe we'll pretend that we're crammed in the picture so that we have an excuse to squeeze our boobs together to give us more cleavage. I don't know. This is all speculation.

Adding the hyper-sexualization to the token alcoholism, it doesn't take a lot of guesswork to assume that somebody is a shit show. I feel like we all have friends like this. Friends who feel the urge to only show themselves in their "element", or living the "college dream." Maybe being out of college and the "scene" makes me a critic and a skeptic. Or maybe I'm just beginning to laugh at how cool I though that I was when I was in those same pictures, or how I found myself attracted to women's party attire.

My suggestion, maybe throw in a few pictures of you and your puppy every now and then. Maybe you're in sweats, or wearing less makeup, or your using your mega shades to block the sun from your crippling hang over. We need to know that you have a recovery period in between episodes. Or at least that you have some reason to live. In any case, a careful content analysis of your Facebook photos may explain why everybody is trying to use you, why you won't get hired for a job, why you don't want to friend your parents on Facebook, or why you have THAT reputation.

I'm just sayin...you look like a shit show.