The Shit-Show

There are some people on Facebook who, if you only looked at their pictures, you would believe beyond a reasonable doubt that they are shit-shows.

You know the shot. A group of girls in "Vegas" dresses, holding their drinks just high enough to make the picture frame, looking like they're having the time of their lives bumping and grinding on every piece of bro-douche that walks up and sneaks their face into the picture.

I've always liked the "gotta hold the drink" pose in party pictures. It almost seems to say: "Hey everybody! Look what I'm doing!" As if the Ferrell red-eye doesn't give your drunkenness away. Some people have entire albums dedicated to the glorification of their alcoholism. Inside, outside, night, day, it doesn't really seem to phase the party scene at some schools. But it does give the illusion that you drink all day. Maybe the cup habit stuck with us after we turned 21. Being underage and drinking was way cooler. Maybe we still feel the need to raise that cup to show our rebelliousness, or the caliber, or not, of our drink.

Others only have pictures where they're dressed like D-list celeb socialites. Always taking the "twins" out for the evening, or showing that little bit of chest hair that they had been saving up since they were in high school. We know these pictures too. Posing next to a statue of something lame, or giving us the lower lip bite that seems to make us look like porn stars. Maybe we'll pretend that we're crammed in the picture so that we have an excuse to squeeze our boobs together to give us more cleavage. I don't know. This is all speculation.

Adding the hyper-sexualization to the token alcoholism, it doesn't take a lot of guesswork to assume that somebody is a shit show. I feel like we all have friends like this. Friends who feel the urge to only show themselves in their "element", or living the "college dream." Maybe being out of college and the "scene" makes me a critic and a skeptic. Or maybe I'm just beginning to laugh at how cool I though that I was when I was in those same pictures, or how I found myself attracted to women's party attire.

My suggestion, maybe throw in a few pictures of you and your puppy every now and then. Maybe you're in sweats, or wearing less makeup, or your using your mega shades to block the sun from your crippling hang over. We need to know that you have a recovery period in between episodes. Or at least that you have some reason to live. In any case, a careful content analysis of your Facebook photos may explain why everybody is trying to use you, why you won't get hired for a job, why you don't want to friend your parents on Facebook, or why you have THAT reputation.

I'm just sayin...you look like a shit show.

Yo Momma...

I guess it all started when, while working with one of our landscaping crews, I mentioned that a rather wily patch of grass/weeds reminded me of Scooter's mother's back hair. Of course, as I had hoped, the line received a brief but hearty laugh from the other two guys who for a second, actually probably thought that Scooter's mom was hairy.

Scooter, in traditional Long Beach gangster fashion, faked a sucker punch in my direction. Just to make sure he wasn't harboring any true malice, I quipped, "Scoot, I'm sure that your mom is a classy lady with a smooth back."

Immediately after, I starting thinking about the utter stupidity of "Your Mom" jokes. Not only do they tend to juxtapose abstract associations like weight and zip codes, but they seem to illicit an immediate defense response from the "victim" of the joke. The more abstract the association, seemingly the more intense the response.

I'm reminded of grade school when "Your Mom" was a rampant dis. Actually, saying "your mom" was more of like a comeback I suppose. "What are you having for lunch today?", "Oh, nothing, just your mom." Or, "Dude, your so freakin dumb", "You're mom's dumb." You get the point. "Your mom" would become a dis when used in the context of the joke "Your momma's so fat/dumb" or any other derivative there upon.

It really was just all silly though. Right? I suppose not. For whatever reasons I seem to think that people have actually begun physical fights on the premise to defend of the matriarch. These fights seem to have escaped the playground and lunch area banter of primary school students and amalgamated into a "justifiable" attack based on some lost virtue of chivalry.

If we look at models of matriarchal authority in traditional socio-demographics, we might be led to believe that African Americans, Jews, white suburbia, royal families, Latinos, and Catholics, just to name some immediate few, would have strong matriarchal ties that might be worth justifying some legitimate response to "your mom." This hinges on the assumption that the initial premise in the "your mom" syllogism (mainly that "your mom" is intended as a joke), is in fact null. If one can reasonably assume that the first premise is null, then it can be established that "you mom" is meant not as a dis or comeback but as a provocation.

I'm sure that 5th graders and street thugs assume this basic Aristotelian model of logic before they act on a "your mom" joke, but I can't be sure. For this reason I have included the following definitions of "your mom" as provided by UrbanDictionary.com.

1.) What you say in response to any question

your mom : so what did u do today?

you : your mom

jen: so what r we doing 2day in french?
me: your mom!

2.) An abstract concept loosely affiliated with notions of the intended audience's maternal figure. normally expressed as an intended slight on said maternal figure. often serves as indication of the end of a conversation.

X: That is one very fat farm animal.

Y: You're a fat farm animal.

X: I'll show you a fat farm animal.

Y: Your mom is a fat farm animal.

3.) A phrase used when you have absolutely no idea how to answer a question, or piss someone off. Highly recommended phrase to be used during business meetings.

Important Guy: "Mr. Smith, how long do you think the proposal will take?"

You: About as long as your mom.

Using these basic definitions, we can now go into the world with the understanding that "your mom" jokes are not intended as provocation but rather as a dis or comeback. If you feel conflicted, please apply the logic of a basic Aristotelian syllogism under the initial premise of "your mom is intended as a joke." I think you will find yourself pleased with your new-found pacifism.

On the First Anniversary of my Graduation...

A year ago today, I graduated from Gonzaga University with my B.A. in Sociology. As I come to grips with the fact that this occurred a year ago, I have chosen to reflect on some of the things which have marked my life during the course of this year.

1. I have a job with benefits that I generally can't stand and I feel ungrateful.
2. I am no longer a camp counselor for the first time in 7 summers.
3. I have picked up a new hobby; photography
4. My parents have moved to Boston.
5. I have moved in with their friends down the street.
6. I am bored and feel lifeless 90% of the time.
7. The other 10%, I'm visiting with one of three friends.
8. I have begun to drink Bourbon.
9. I constantly contemplate someplace better than where I am now.
10. I've joined a gym.
11. I've been able to sustain a long distance relationship.
12. I've begun to think that sociology was only as exciting as the speculation that I used to put into it.
    
13. I'm considering law school instead of graduate studies in sociology.
14. I want to move back to Spokane.
15. I hate the people in Orange County, CA.
16. I'm generally irritable.
17. I've decided that my physical pain is bullshit and have decided to ignore it...and it's worked.
18. I have most of what I need, but I spend money on things that I don't.
19. I'm sick and tired of Facebook. I feel like a used up junkie. Since Facebook doesn't give me the same "high" as it used to, every time I use it now, I'm just frustrated.
20. I haven't played my guitar in such a long time.
21. The politics behind my job are astounding and I feel bad for the limitations that people with disabilities are weighed down with.
22. I've decided to start living the life that I've been putting on hold while waiting for "something better"
    
23. I'm job hunting again.
24. I'm loosing weight.
25. I'm detaching myself from the bullshit that frustrates me.
26. I'm focusing on the friends that I have.
27. I'm saving money.
28. I'm finding reward in solitary activities.
29. I'm taking the first opportunity I get to leave Orange County, even if it's for lesser pay.
30. I'm not listening to guilt trips.
31. I'm going to do something spontaneous.
32. I'm going to start home brewing.
33. I'm going to grow the fuck up.