Why the H- can't I find t-shirts anymore???

Since summer has arrived and I haven't received my yearly quota of free college tees, I have been forced to find other alternatives. This has proven to be a much harder task than I had originally expected though and I can't tell if it's just me, or the t-shirts...

I'm beginning to realize that t-shirts are becoming as much a mainstay in fashion as they ever were. Bro's wear their Affliction t-shirts to clubs and bars, and companies like Armani, try to sell us $50 t-shirts that already look destroyed. Not to mention this new Christian Audigiar character who's glorified Lisa Frank fantasy animal designs have become some of the more expensive items on the clothing racks.

I can't get into it, but it seems that t-shirts are becoming too elaborate "artistically" for me. Maybe it's because I wash my t-shirts. When you wash a shirt, it fades, and the designs begin to crack after a while, and eventually it's time to get a new shirt. If I paid $50 for a t-shirt, I would have a hard time watching this process occur, or, I would consume myself by making sure that that shirt never went in the dryer thusly hanging it to dry. Frankly, too much effort for T-SHIRT. Maybe a nice jacket or something, but a t-shirt?

Walking through a Nordstrom's (this years styles), Nordstrom's Rack (last years rejected styles), or a Macy's, I soon realized that t-shirts, although maybe not as elaborate as a Christian Audigiar, are still these "works of art" that I can only see on some mega bro, or an American Apparel model wearing. Shirts with patches, or awkward cuts; shirts with dated logos like "Crush", or exotic places you've never been like "Montana", or "Ireland"; and shirts with funky cartoons litter these stores. I kinda like the funky cartoon shirts, but they tend to be on funky colors too and I don't know if I could pull off a pale teal shirt. T-shirts from Express have weird glitter on their Gothic designed eagle wings with a neuvo silk screen style "tattoo art" down the chest and sides, and American Eagle and Gap logo shirts don't make any sense at all...

I'm starting to think that this is when I cross over and out of the following generation. I always enjoyed a good Volcom stone shirt, or a RVCA shirt, but I can't seem to find a subtle one. The way things are looking though, I don't know if I'll ever enjoy these new "artistic" designs. I've found myself getting plain v-necks and solid-color t-shits, but this ultimately makes me feel like I have no fashion sense, which, whether it's true or not, is not a happy feeling. I can only hope that the "artsy" tee goes out of style as quickly as the t-shirt on top of the polo thing that swept Abercrombies and Gap stores across the nation not too long ago.

Maybe I should consider the t-shirts that you can find online with the goofy sayings, and puns. The only problem with those so far is that I can't find one that I feel I could wear in public without drawing unnecessary attention to myself. I guess this this all means if I'm going to shop for t-shirts at a mall, I had better get used to the idea of going straight for Gap v-necks. Otherwise I guess it's come down to me scouring the internet for some t-shirt that doesn't make me look like a complete asshole and that doesn't require that I buy salmon colored shorts to accompany it.

I guess I like the idea of t-shirts being a simple commodity. Or maybe I'm just a fan of more subtle styles. I like to think that that doesn't make me an oldie, but the more I think about it, being detached from teens these days might not be a bad thing.

I never got into Lisa Frank. I was more of a Peachy guy. I guess that how I like my t-shirts too. But I don't want to have to shop at Walmart to get my Peachys, or my t-shirts...

Thoughts while walking in a mall...

Malls are undoubtedly one of the greater environments for "people watching." I have always found at least some element of a mall overly interesting on any given day. Usually my interest is sparked by the "children friendly" sections. Usually right outside of department stores, these quarter fed respite providers never cease to amaze me, especially since they are obviously simple machines that attract bounds of attention by toddlers and the like.

There are also these small brightly colored ponies on electric wheels that children can also ride on in a small corral in the center of the causeway. I don't think that parents understand that their children look like little shits on these things. But alas, I don't want to go too far into child attractions today...

Over the past year or so, I've been sudo developing this idea that people walk like they drive. Most notably, if you look at large walkways at airports, theme parks, malls, sidewalks, piers, etc., you might notice that there are two distinct "lanes" of human traffic. Chances are, if you walking and you feel like you're the only one going that direction, you're probably the only one going in that direction. Don't be a salmon and swim upstream... Just like driving, the boundaries of the causeway are usually to our right hand sides, and "opposing traffic" is usually to our left (obviously this analogy only works for some countries). The people closest to the edge of the boundary are going to be going the slowest because they are the ones popping in and out of stores/terminals/etc., just like individuals coming off and on exit and entrance ramps on a freeway on in and out of driveways.

Some people "run out into traffic" and then walk really slowly, pissing off everybody who had rhythm behind them. Other times, people may walk in a group in a horizontal line so that people behind can't pass them without entering opposing traffic. Starting to sound familiar? Kids are told not to run, like teens and young adults are told not to speed, and people who are lost just walk around in circles slowing down everybody. There are fast walkers who weave in and out of steady walkers, there are elderly walkers who should really check their blind spots before "switching lanes", there are people who walk and talk on their cell phones really loudly when they should be paying attention to something else (their child on the magical pony perhaps?).

Obviously this hypothesis would require that I then watch that person drive to see if they drive like they walk. But I think that regardless of whether an aggressive walker = an aggressive driver, or a passive walker = a passive driver, we still sub-consciously adhere to basic "road rules" while walking.

Nuff-said...

The Shit-Show

There are some people on Facebook who, if you only looked at their pictures, you would believe beyond a reasonable doubt that they are shit-shows.

You know the shot. A group of girls in "Vegas" dresses, holding their drinks just high enough to make the picture frame, looking like they're having the time of their lives bumping and grinding on every piece of bro-douche that walks up and sneaks their face into the picture.

I've always liked the "gotta hold the drink" pose in party pictures. It almost seems to say: "Hey everybody! Look what I'm doing!" As if the Ferrell red-eye doesn't give your drunkenness away. Some people have entire albums dedicated to the glorification of their alcoholism. Inside, outside, night, day, it doesn't really seem to phase the party scene at some schools. But it does give the illusion that you drink all day. Maybe the cup habit stuck with us after we turned 21. Being underage and drinking was way cooler. Maybe we still feel the need to raise that cup to show our rebelliousness, or the caliber, or not, of our drink.

Others only have pictures where they're dressed like D-list celeb socialites. Always taking the "twins" out for the evening, or showing that little bit of chest hair that they had been saving up since they were in high school. We know these pictures too. Posing next to a statue of something lame, or giving us the lower lip bite that seems to make us look like porn stars. Maybe we'll pretend that we're crammed in the picture so that we have an excuse to squeeze our boobs together to give us more cleavage. I don't know. This is all speculation.

Adding the hyper-sexualization to the token alcoholism, it doesn't take a lot of guesswork to assume that somebody is a shit show. I feel like we all have friends like this. Friends who feel the urge to only show themselves in their "element", or living the "college dream." Maybe being out of college and the "scene" makes me a critic and a skeptic. Or maybe I'm just beginning to laugh at how cool I though that I was when I was in those same pictures, or how I found myself attracted to women's party attire.

My suggestion, maybe throw in a few pictures of you and your puppy every now and then. Maybe you're in sweats, or wearing less makeup, or your using your mega shades to block the sun from your crippling hang over. We need to know that you have a recovery period in between episodes. Or at least that you have some reason to live. In any case, a careful content analysis of your Facebook photos may explain why everybody is trying to use you, why you won't get hired for a job, why you don't want to friend your parents on Facebook, or why you have THAT reputation.

I'm just sayin...you look like a shit show.

Yo Momma...

I guess it all started when, while working with one of our landscaping crews, I mentioned that a rather wily patch of grass/weeds reminded me of Scooter's mother's back hair. Of course, as I had hoped, the line received a brief but hearty laugh from the other two guys who for a second, actually probably thought that Scooter's mom was hairy.

Scooter, in traditional Long Beach gangster fashion, faked a sucker punch in my direction. Just to make sure he wasn't harboring any true malice, I quipped, "Scoot, I'm sure that your mom is a classy lady with a smooth back."

Immediately after, I starting thinking about the utter stupidity of "Your Mom" jokes. Not only do they tend to juxtapose abstract associations like weight and zip codes, but they seem to illicit an immediate defense response from the "victim" of the joke. The more abstract the association, seemingly the more intense the response.

I'm reminded of grade school when "Your Mom" was a rampant dis. Actually, saying "your mom" was more of like a comeback I suppose. "What are you having for lunch today?", "Oh, nothing, just your mom." Or, "Dude, your so freakin dumb", "You're mom's dumb." You get the point. "Your mom" would become a dis when used in the context of the joke "Your momma's so fat/dumb" or any other derivative there upon.

It really was just all silly though. Right? I suppose not. For whatever reasons I seem to think that people have actually begun physical fights on the premise to defend of the matriarch. These fights seem to have escaped the playground and lunch area banter of primary school students and amalgamated into a "justifiable" attack based on some lost virtue of chivalry.

If we look at models of matriarchal authority in traditional socio-demographics, we might be led to believe that African Americans, Jews, white suburbia, royal families, Latinos, and Catholics, just to name some immediate few, would have strong matriarchal ties that might be worth justifying some legitimate response to "your mom." This hinges on the assumption that the initial premise in the "your mom" syllogism (mainly that "your mom" is intended as a joke), is in fact null. If one can reasonably assume that the first premise is null, then it can be established that "you mom" is meant not as a dis or comeback but as a provocation.

I'm sure that 5th graders and street thugs assume this basic Aristotelian model of logic before they act on a "your mom" joke, but I can't be sure. For this reason I have included the following definitions of "your mom" as provided by UrbanDictionary.com.

1.) What you say in response to any question

your mom : so what did u do today?

you : your mom

jen: so what r we doing 2day in french?
me: your mom!

2.) An abstract concept loosely affiliated with notions of the intended audience's maternal figure. normally expressed as an intended slight on said maternal figure. often serves as indication of the end of a conversation.

X: That is one very fat farm animal.

Y: You're a fat farm animal.

X: I'll show you a fat farm animal.

Y: Your mom is a fat farm animal.

3.) A phrase used when you have absolutely no idea how to answer a question, or piss someone off. Highly recommended phrase to be used during business meetings.

Important Guy: "Mr. Smith, how long do you think the proposal will take?"

You: About as long as your mom.

Using these basic definitions, we can now go into the world with the understanding that "your mom" jokes are not intended as provocation but rather as a dis or comeback. If you feel conflicted, please apply the logic of a basic Aristotelian syllogism under the initial premise of "your mom is intended as a joke." I think you will find yourself pleased with your new-found pacifism.

On the First Anniversary of my Graduation...

A year ago today, I graduated from Gonzaga University with my B.A. in Sociology. As I come to grips with the fact that this occurred a year ago, I have chosen to reflect on some of the things which have marked my life during the course of this year.

1. I have a job with benefits that I generally can't stand and I feel ungrateful.
2. I am no longer a camp counselor for the first time in 7 summers.
3. I have picked up a new hobby; photography
4. My parents have moved to Boston.
5. I have moved in with their friends down the street.
6. I am bored and feel lifeless 90% of the time.
7. The other 10%, I'm visiting with one of three friends.
8. I have begun to drink Bourbon.
9. I constantly contemplate someplace better than where I am now.
10. I've joined a gym.
11. I've been able to sustain a long distance relationship.
12. I've begun to think that sociology was only as exciting as the speculation that I used to put into it.
    
13. I'm considering law school instead of graduate studies in sociology.
14. I want to move back to Spokane.
15. I hate the people in Orange County, CA.
16. I'm generally irritable.
17. I've decided that my physical pain is bullshit and have decided to ignore it...and it's worked.
18. I have most of what I need, but I spend money on things that I don't.
19. I'm sick and tired of Facebook. I feel like a used up junkie. Since Facebook doesn't give me the same "high" as it used to, every time I use it now, I'm just frustrated.
20. I haven't played my guitar in such a long time.
21. The politics behind my job are astounding and I feel bad for the limitations that people with disabilities are weighed down with.
22. I've decided to start living the life that I've been putting on hold while waiting for "something better"
    
23. I'm job hunting again.
24. I'm loosing weight.
25. I'm detaching myself from the bullshit that frustrates me.
26. I'm focusing on the friends that I have.
27. I'm saving money.
28. I'm finding reward in solitary activities.
29. I'm taking the first opportunity I get to leave Orange County, even if it's for lesser pay.
30. I'm not listening to guilt trips.
31. I'm going to do something spontaneous.
32. I'm going to start home brewing.
33. I'm going to grow the fuck up.

The Anthems of a Generation

I spent four hours at a senior living center yesterday "job coaching" a client of mine. However, since I am not "authorized" to provide direct care, I found myself stashed away in the corner completing the crossword puzzle. Still, this gave me an opportunity to absorb my surroundings in the freakish way that I tend to.

I thought that I was in trouble because I was in for a four hour sit-fest and the only thing on the tele was Good Morning America and after about 30 minutes, classic music from the first half of the 20th century. I didn't think that I would be able to stay awake listening to classic jingles like "A Bushel and a Peck", especially with the 97 year old dozing off every five minutes.

When I saw three of the residents staring off into space, I couldn't help but wonder what they were thinking about. Perhaps the music was bringing them back "to the day". I could imagine the gentleman to my left, in his WWII uniform, with dark and dapper hair, dancing with a younger version of the lady across the room from him who's legs now no longer allow her to dance. I thought about the 97 year old woman and the history flowing through her veins. I wanted to ask her if we would "be alright", knowing that despite all the chaos currently in our world, she had seen much more and had survived to tell about it (maybe a lesson for us?). Knowing what she had probably been through suddenly put my historical lens into focus. We aren't nearly as bad off as we had been in the early 20th.

I determined that this music was making me nostalgic for them. I wondered what music they would play at my senior living center, assuming that they still exist when I reach that age. I imagined Third Eye Blind coming from the stereo and some young twenty-something sitting quietly in the corner doing the crossword. I would probably quip to him that he had it easy and that back in my day, Pluto was a planet, the world shit their pants at the words terrorism/socialist/wmd/swine flu, our economy tanked, we elected a dumbshit, then we elected an African American, American auto companies became shadows of their former selves, capitalism failed - but then wasn't allowed to, political parties became gangs and ruffians rather than representatives, newspapers became obsolete, iPhones and social networking sites ran our lives, and we became so self centered that we twittered so that EVERYBODY COULD KNOW WHAT WE WERE DOING.

What are some of the other things that my generation has to reflect on, knowing well that most of our lives are still ahead of us? Lets see: texting, sexting, the lost generation, school shootings, a rise in teen pregnancies/drug use, a decline in grades, a focus on college life rather than college, ENTITLEMENT, dressing like wealthy homeless people, spending more money on consumer goods than any other generation (but probably to be surpassed by the next), "pimping" out cars, Sparks, reality television obsessions, celebrity obsessions, more votes for American Idol than American Politics, disconnect, energy drinks, digital photography, online computer games, trying to recreate Woodstock, boy bands, Disney, crappy alt-rock that sounds the same, death metal heads exercising prejudice, Gulf War I and II, domestic and foreign terrorism, cotton-candy Christianity, computers, the Internet, green energy, eco-friendlism, volunteering, protest.

Sorry for the apparent rant...I don't have a completely bleak outlook on the history of my generation, but we are very unique. Still, I think that it's important to pay attention to the elderly in our society. Kids these days don't even respect their parents, not to mention their grandparents. The elderly today are part of the Greatest Generation. We are the Millennials.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p5IfsNqJcmA

Word.

A Deeper Look Into Sliced Bread

As I prepared my sandwich for work this morning, a quote on the bag perked my attention. "What was the best thing before sliced bread?". Trader Joes is historical for these little "haha's" on their products, but for whatever reasons, this one caused my early morning speculation to kick into over drive.

Before deciding what the best thing was before sliced bread, I had to figure out a little bit of history regarding sliced bread which I share with you now. As far as I can tell, sliced bread was the conception of Otto Frederick Rohwedder of Davenport, Iowa. Evidently he made a prototype in 1912 for a whole loaf bread slicer. This prototype burned in a fire and it wasn't until 1928 that he had finally created a working model. A few other guys got into the business shortly after and with better success. The first loaf of bread was sliced on July 7, 1928 in Battle Creek, Michigan (which claims this achievement to this day) and Wonderbread would be the first company to commercialize sliced bread in 1930 using a slicing machine that sliced and wrapped.

Sliced bread was originally marketed as "the greatest forward step in the baking industry since bread was wrapped."

In 1943 bread slicing was banned by the US Government in order to combat rising flour costs and to prevent bread from drying out too quickly (can't have waste after all). The ban only lasted about three months...We can thank the French for a successful protest! (In case you forgot, France and the US were allies during this time).

Well, as noted above, wrapped bread was the greatest thing since sliced bread. But that seems to be a lame precursor to one of our greatest hyperbolic phrases.

Of course there are so many stellar achievements that must be considered like anti-septics, horse drawn coaches, spiral barrels on rifles (a Civil War ooolala), the printing press, Bibles in the vernacular, submarines (I'm thinking about the Civil War ones), trains, crude oil drills, you're getting the point.

Since bread is a food, and slicing bread is to increase convenience, I have chosen to focus on a food item that was convenient before sliced or wrapped bread to address the original question of this post.

I have chosen, beyond a reasonable doubt: Beer.

Beer has been tracked back to 9000 BC in the writings of ancient Egypt and Mesopotamia. Chemical evidence of beer goes back to 3100 BC in what would become Western Iran, and Germanic and Celtic tribes in 3000BC. This beer wasn't "normal beer" however. It was brewed with fruits, and cereal grains, and random wild flowers and berries. Beer as we appreciate it was best tracked down to 822AD and 1607AD when hops became the wonder weed of beer making. Before the Industrial Revolution, beer was made in small batches in monasteries and local breweries. After the Industrial Revolution, beer was made on a commercial level (don't' worry "micro brewing" will return as a phenomenon of the 1990's-2000's). By the end of the 1800's, beer had become a precise art due to the advent of thermometers and hydrometers which enabled consistent and quality results.

How great is this? A bread product being the best thing since sliced bread! Bread was, and forever will be, a staple in the human diet. How appropriate that it should expand upon itself. Beer has been used in substitute for water in Europe (historically) and in Mexico (currently) and attracts hundreds of billions of dollars in world sales. That's the power of bread man.

The next time you grab for that turkey sandwich, grab yourself a beer as well. You will experience a jubilee of historical awareness as you munch and savor the flavors of history's good fortune. Don't believe me? Try a FatTire. That stuff is bread in a bottle.



(Thank you wikipedia for your support in this speculation.)